Gustafik’s Wife Admits Murder in E-mail

Already the main suspect in the murder of her husband, Jill Rockcastle has now been found to have admitted to the whole thing in a lengthy e-mail.  The 49 year-old sent the ten page e-mail to friends and relatives after she killed professional poker player William Gustafik in order to explain why she committed the crime.  The e-mail was acquired by the Tri-Valley Herald. 

After stabbing her Gustafik, 44, to death on April 13 in their high rise Las Vegas condo, she cleaned up the residence because “…she didn't want anyone having to deal with what she had done,” and fled to a motel in San Luis Obispo, California, where she attempted suicide.   

She was hospitalized after she was found by police and is awaiting extradition to Nevada. 

Below is the entire ten page e-mail in which Rockcastle recounts disturbing details of her life with Gustafik. 

This is my final statement done to help all the people affected by my actions, Bill's actions, the actions and the results of whatever does happen to them in our aftermath. I'm writing this so that each person that receives it will identify with the time period in which your experience occurred with him and I and can have some of the why, how, why me, how could they, what happened etc. answered. I am not trying in anyway to justify a single thing in here. I am not looking to clear my name or actions. I have already done the most final things possible to stop us from hurting anyone else.

When Bill and I met, we discovered that we both had the ability to get pretty much anything we wanted out of people. I did what I did out of my need to survive. Bill did what he did out of the need to conquer. To be superior to the people around him. To look like the most successful person in the room. He lived his life feeding his narcissism.

He did all kinds of performance and look enhancing drugs. He was very physically aware and fit. He felt superior in his profession as a Chiropractor. He was earning a large amount of money but I was constantly listening to conversations on the phone about lies and schemes against people and agencies to maximize what he was paid.

I was working in the mortgage business and as anyone knows that has owned a home and gone through the finance process, it usually involves being bullshitted all the way to signing documents that never exactly match what you thought you were getting. Both of us lied, manipulated, cheated, conned and hustled people to make the most money for us.

Bill was also immersed in the battle over his rights in the custody of his daughter. He was not fighting to have custody tailored to the needs and the best interest of his daughter but to maximize the inconvenience to his ex-wife and to satisfy his public image of being considered by people as just as good of a Dad if not better as his ex was a Mother. The problem was, he was not. He did not enjoy the emotion love part of being a parent. He believed that his ex was so obsessed with (their daughter) because she had all these detachment issues but she was always better for her than he could ever be and THAT IS WHAT HE HATED and fought so hard against. He knew deep down that he could not care for someone. That he didn't feel love. That he didn't feel compassion. Not once ever in his life did he do something JUST to make someone feel better. He wasn't capable of tenderness. When we met he had no contact or relationship with his biological Father and hated when he had to do something with his mother and that side of the family.

I had no family so it wasn't a problem for me not to do family things. I was used to spending holidays with friends and not relatives.

Not too long after meeting each other, Bill was going through another custody evaluation, and was required to provide his 2001, 2002 tax returns. These returns showed he was actually making over 200,000 in net income which was subject to child support. He ranted daily about the prospect of paying so much. His ex, the bitch, was not getting that much. On and on and on that went until I showed him a program I had for preparing returns yourself. He asked me to cut his income way down. I did the calculations but I couldn't go through with it. Two days before the court hearing, he was threatening me. Screaming on the phone. Telling me he needed this. I did love him. I did want to help him. On the morning of the hearing, I finally gave in and faxed the revised return to the lawyer. This when our partnership in crime was launched. Our first act of joint deception. We did his return to have only half of that net income and his support was raised to $1800 a month instead of the $4000 they were talking about. It worked so perfectly for Bill and I was a willing participant that he now had no problem asking me for more. We stopped paying taxes altogether.

Because of this first crime as I will call it, we began living without rules and not afraid of consequence. Bill told me if we were ever caught, he would have enough money to buy us out of trouble. He had a partnership with a doctor to open an office in Antioch and had me do the books. This way, he---we---could report anything in the financials and he could take more than the 50% profit. I once again did this as he gave me some of the profits. He had me finance real estate for some of the people he worked with so I could get increased fees and share them. I did it.

Bill discovered several ways to bleed as much personal revenue out of any relationship, business deal and opportunity and was enjoying huge monthly income. At the time, I loved and visited Las Vegas often. I had learned how to work the marketing systems and programs developed by casinos to attract and maintain players who offered regular spending and gaming losses. I was able to establish myself as a VIP at several properties and had many perks and benefits including free rooms, meals, amenities, etc. He began going with me on my regular trips. He loved the VIP treatment and attention. Because I played table games for 6-8 hours a day to meet the requirements of my status, he began playing poker. His obsession was born.

He took over his Hayward office as an owner in Feb 2004. I helped him purchase the building his Hayward office was in and was able to get this done as a LLC without affecting his personal credit. He viewed this as such a coo and was so impressed with my ability to ``pull one off.'' He had his home in San Ramon and I had mine. We spent everyday together. I started doing the books for his Hayward office as a favor since I was still doing his Antioch office. I can’t even remember the number of times I would hear him scamming someone on the phone and hanging up and being so proud of himself for how much he got out of that guy or this lien. He over treated patients, he had them have the injuries flare up after he maximized the original allowed billing and milked the state for so much money in false care. He was so impressed with his self net worth and began spending excessively. He wanted to live his status. He wanted to be visibly rich. He suggested we move in together but neither one of our houses were good enough.

I was able to cover my expenses with one or two deals a month, as I financed larger homes with larger mortgages and was obtaining 2% or better on my transaction. On $700,000 that was $14,000 or more on one deal. I split 50/50 and then 60/40 with the broker I worked with so I walked with $8000 and that was more than I spent. So I didn't work much. I had a lot of free time and he was still working daily from 7-7 most days. He was very jealous of this. He wanted to play poker. He wanted to live the high rollers life and become a professional player on TV. Getting on TV was an obsession. He wanted to be recognized publicly. He decided that because changes were coming in workers compensation benefits and his income was going to soon suffer that he needed to be a player. I had free time and he wanted it. "In Oct 2004 we moved into our new lifestyle. The beginning of the con. I’m leaving so much out but those who know us know we went through the physical enhancements, all the plastic surgery, all to look rich and look great when he was famous. I did so many things to my body to be his ``trophy'' I’m not blaming him alone for this. I liked it. I wanted it. I helped Bill buy two additional houses. I helped Bill get his fancy car. I helped Bill do all this and said everything was because of me and my money so that his ex-wife would not pursue him for more support.

Bill decided to go for the poker and hired two doctors to run his offices giving them buyout options after a period of time just like he bought his Hayward office. The doctor he put into his Hayward office disclosed to us that he was in the process of being prosecuted for child porn. Bill didn't care. I went to our attorney and told him everything. He told Bill not to let this guy near his office. Bill didn't care. He wanted the freedom and he wanted to play poker full time. Bill went so far as to let him even move into his home in San Ramon as part of the deal. CHILD PORN.

Bill played his first professional poker tournament at the WSOP , buying in for 10000 and losing in about 4 hours. But the rush of doing it was now what he needed. Everything we did from then on was based on his goal to be the pro, to win millions, and most of all to be famous. To be on TV.

As for his daughter, he continued an ongoing battle with his wife. This never stopped for six years. He went through several professionals, attorneys, and all kinds of money on this. Spending in access of $100,000 just to hurt Joanne. He never really wanted xxxxx. I will insert a letter to her now.

--Joanne

This letter is to help you and xxxxx. I want you to know that the way you felt about Bill and why he was so horrible to you was not for any other reason than Bill preferred fighting with you over just being happy with xxxxx. I don't know why but I do know that his hatred for you must have been more than that. What you thought and portrayed to the world about him governed every move he made. He wanted everyone to view him as the best Dad I think because he didn't even know how to be one. He loved xxxxx inside but did not for whatever reason, know how to take care of her emotionally. He did not have a caring nurturing bone in his body. He felt love but didn't feel the need nor have the ability to be weak in it. He felt he always had to be ``Top Gamer.''

Two years ago, he did plan to have you and your Mom killed. He paid a guy to do it while we had xxxxx in Las Vegas for our Christmas time. It was the scariest few days.

He was going to kill you so he could get xxxxx, kill your Mom so she wouldn’t file for custody and then hire a full time nanny to take care of her do he could continue to chase his poker dream of winning the big one and getting on TV. When I got so upset by this and told him that he would devastate xxxxx, his response was, she will get over it. Living in Las Vegas, traveling, etc and with one person dedicated just to her, she will “be on cloud nine.” Kids are happy wherever they are. That gave me the biggest insight to Bill. He never had, not in xxxxx, not in me, not anything that he truly loved accept himself. To think that she would be better off and happier if she lost you. He could not see the relationship you share with her because he had none, nor did he really understand one with her. Having her sit in her bedroom for 12 hours on a Sunday watching TV while he played poker and did lines of cocaine was his idea of visitation. She was happy because she never got to do that at home because you had her doing things all the time. He saw that as a fault in you. That you were so obsessed with xxxxx because you had all these detachment issues and maybe you do have some Joanne, but you were always better for her than he could ever be and THAT IS WHAT HE HATED and fought so hard against. He knew deep down that he could not care for someone. That he didn't feel love. That he didn't feel compassion. Not once ever in his life did he do something JUST to make someone feel better. He wasn't capable of tenderness.

He criticized you for breakfast in bed when if he would have just done that once in a while for her, just got up and snuck in her bed, she would have been so happy. He couldn't or wouldn't do it.  Everything had to have a visible end result to be considered worth doing for him. Not an emotional satisfaction. That he never got. I am so sorry. I should have ended this then. I should have been stronger and gone to an attorney and helped you. His obsession with poker was as important to him as fighting with you. He calculated every more in your battle to achieve the maximum Joanne piss off level possible. This new tactic of trying to get xxxxx out of OLG was only because you are so involved in your church and school and you love her there. He had no thought of how happy xxxxx was there, how it had become her community, how she had rooted herself. He believed she would adjust but you would not. You would go crazy. He loved the thought of you having to live everyday without what you wanted. I don't understand that.

What happened did because I just couldn't let it keep going. He was planning on filing this new motion to get you mentally examined, change her school, get 50% custody and the other changes in there and then tell you how it really was going to be. He would win and hire a nanny to care for xxxxx when he had his week on so he could continue to play poker. As a backup plan he would find the real guys to do the job and be prepared to kill you and your Mom if this got to be to difficult and he wasn’t winning. When this happened Joanne, he was doing just that. He decided to go forward and get this done. We fought about it constantly, violently and I believed him I just couldn't let it happen. I'm so sorry for you and for xxxxx but in the end here today I will feel for the first time that she is safe and that maybe somehow I actually helped her.

Now for the rest of the people that have been hurt by this. I will tell the stories in general terms but you will know who you are. Bill began flying through money. He played online, he played constantly and he played as if there was no end to the money. He really believed he was going to make it.

All of the changes to workmens compensation came down and Bills income went down 2/3 from what it was. He was losing money in his offices He was spending more than he was making, not only on poker but on trips, on partying, on toys, on everything. But he believed all he had to do was hit it once, win once and it would all be perfect. The money was running out. We were living this fake life of millionaires. But we weren't. We were going broke. This is when some of the schemes were hatched. The different ways to get people to give ``ME'' money, not him so he didn't have the exwife thing. Selling fake real estate deals. This plan was born after doing a real deal with a friend buying 50% of a property that was financed by the other guy, on his credit and we paid 50% cash and signed a side deal saying we owned 50% but that was only on paper. Bill thought that was a great way to get money because he believed the guy we did this with made money that we didn't know about. On the property and on the furniture deal.

The first one he promised me that if I was able to get this person to buy off on this that the money given as a down payment would be returned to that person doubled when he won a big tournament. I did it. At this point I should be looked at as horrible for being able to even think it yet do it. But I thought if he was right, then I was helping. That's how I lived with my sick self.

The next really horrible one was a good friend, according to Bill, got in trouble and asked Bill and I to help them. This included holding funds that were a source of their pending prosecution but what they needed protected if their case all came down. Bill had them give the money to me and be the front person with them, talking about protection options so that if anything happened he was not subject to recourse by his exwife and loose anything with his daughter. My kids were already gone, so I could take the fall. What people didn't think he knew couldn't hurt him. Bill took the majority of the cash and hide it in an undisclosed location so that I didn't have to be scared. I was.

Several more things happened and while doing his poker and his drugs, we put on quite the show. High rollers. Big money. I was rich. I was a great business person. I was despicable.

He continued to fight his exwife. He hired attorney after attorney. He ended up with a woman in Pleasanton who is a perfect resource for anyone who would like validation. She was scared for me. She saw how aggressive and violent and nasty Bill was and could be. She advised me more than once to take care of me. On one occasion, I visited her office alone and she was shocked at the way I looked and concerned that I was in trouble. I was. But I said nothing. In this custody and other battles, Bill was ordered to be tested for ADHD and to get anger management. A therapist was selected and Bill began visiting him. I went on several of these and on one appointment, I was talking and Bill was being so mean and so destructive that the therapist said “You are a prick” and Bill loved it and laughed.

Bill signed an agreement instead of going to court so that he could cut his regular visitation down which accommodated his poker playing. He hired a nanny when he did have xxxxx, taking her to Vegas and she spent all day and night with her instead of him.

We were running out of everything, money, credit, friends, everything. So many nights, starting at 4 pm and going until 1 or 2 am, he would play online poker and do lines of cocaine and I would sit on the bed doing nothing when we were home. When in Vegas, he played poker. Cash, tournaments and invitational games, all of which he would loose. A tournament would run a week with games everyday totally $15-20,000 which he would loose and then play the big game, with the $10, 15 or $25,000 buy in fee. He was losing in excess of 50-75,000 a month easy. From Jan 2007 to the day of this tragedy he had lost over $200,000.

Now I did gamble too and several of you know how I could bet. But you have seen me win thousands. I would play roulette, win 20,000, text Bill in the poker room. He would run over and grab 10-15,000 and go loose it.

His income continued to drop. I hit several large jackpots including $80,000 at Bellagio. I stashed a lot of my Paris and Bellagio cash winnings. I had a nest egg. I gave it to my children as they needed it.

He was now becoming desperate. Several more scams were done and he was funded a little longer but he never won. His offices were dying and costing us. I went to the bank constantly depositing money to pay the bills. He would come up with cash and make me deposit it so the bank thought it was all mine so if his exwife did anything that he would be ok. My days were spent juggling phone calls and lies to people and the fake life. I was breaking down.

I'm going to skip so many things in an effort to shorten this but my life was a constant hell for the last year. Im going to skip all the lawsuits that were being filed. All the tax notices. All the bounced checks. All the drugs. All the collections. The worst day being when Bill informed me that his friend who had given him the cash to hold needed some money for taxes. That was the day he told me it was all gone. That I had to come up with the cash for his friend. I went into shock. I don't know what happened to me but I changed. I became convinced I had to stop him somehow. I called everyone for help. Some of you know I asked. Some of you know how desperate I was becoming. I called that attorney mentioned and asked to help me to get me out. But she never called me back. I called my attorney and told him everything about the gambling and drugs. He told me that most gambling addicts could not stop until everything was gone as there was no substitution for the high. I knew it.

On the day of the tragedy, Bill left for Vegas instructing me to make sure his buyin was paid by the time he landed. I had been suffering symptoms of heart attacks for several weeks and decided I had to see my doctor. I had a rash breakout a week before I thought was nothing. I went in and found out I had shingles, caused by overwhelming stress. He gave me scripts for pills to calm me. I hadn't really slept for weeks. I will now insert my statement about the tragedy.

SUBJECT TO ATTORNEY CLIENT PRIVILEGE

To: Legal Counsel

Date: April 14, 2007

Subject: Jill Rockcastle

From: XXXXXXXXXXXXX.

_____________________________________________________________________ I met with Jill Rockcastle for several hours on April 13, 2007, and April 14, 2007. These communications were between a client and her attorney, and pursuant to California law, are privileged. Nothing contained in this memo should be released to any third party, for any reason, without her express, written consent.

During the course of our conversations, Jill disclosed to me that her husband, was deceased, and in the apartment they shared in Las Vegas. She advised that he had threatened to kill her during the midmorning hours the day before, April 12, 2007, and that she stabbed him approximately three times in the upper chest area. She then cleaned the apartment, disposed of the knife, and returned to California. Upon her return to California, she tried several times to contact me, finally reaching me late afternoon on April 12, 2007. Not knowing what had occurred, we made arrangements to meet the next day, April 13, 2007.

Background.

In the mid-1980's, Bill was a correctional officer. He apparently worked at the Vacaville Medical facility at Vacaville, California. He told Jill on many occasions that the best part of this job was being able to beat people up, and that you became a hero to your co-workers the more you did it. Jill does not know whether he was fired or resigned.

In early 2000's, Bill graduated for chiropractic school, and went to work as a chiropractor. He was very successful for a time, and had three offices. A few years ago, however, he got into professional poker. He fancied himself as a major player in the poker circuit, and poker quickly took over his life. He abandoned his own practice, and entered into written agreements with subordinates which ultimately left them in charge of the three offices. Issues have arisen with a couple of these offices which resulted in one ongoing lawsuit with one doctor, and very current issues with the employee at the other office.

About the time he was graduating from chiropractic school, Bill divorced. She is about 37-38 years of age, and lives with their daughter, (age 9) at an unknown address in Castro Valley. They were only married about 18 months. She found herself pregnant with xxxxx, and Bill ``did the right thing.'' However, shortly after she was born, Bill left. According to Jill, Bill never had deep real feelings for xxxxx, but loved to harass his ex-wife. In fact, there is an existing court order that he was required to attend some of her sporting events, which he always dreaded.

Jill and Bill knew each other as friends for a couple years. They met about 6 months after Bill divorced. A couple years later, they developed a romantic relationship, which resulted in marriage in, I believe, 2005. Bill had a chocking fetish, which Jill discovered during a sexual encounter when he chocked her into unconsciousness. He had both hands around her throat, which he had done before, but on this first occasion he had a crazed look about him, and seemed to ``get off'' on the chocking. When she came out of it, she was very upset with him. The same thing occurred much later. The last time he did so was this past Easter.

Bill had a very rocky relationship post marriage. His ex wife even warned Jill, before they were married, to be careful of Bill, but without any explanation. Although divorced, and having experienced many issues with Bill after their divorce, hi ex wife still cared for him, and in a way still believed she had some kind of relationship with him. This extended to contacts with his family, such as Christmas cards.

But Bill had no such feelings towards her. He repeatedly told Jill that he hated her, and wanted to see her dead, and her mother dead. Jill believed that Bill would have enjoyed killing them himself. Twice, they were involved a very, very expensive evaluations after Bill sought changes in custody and visitation. As a result of these evaluations, there is an extensive paper trail of the problems, threats, and issues between Bill and his ex wife. The witnesses include:

1. Andy Pioman, PhD at the Oasis Center, Walnut Creek, who assisted Bill with anger management;

2. Erica Meyers, PhD, Oakland, who was one of the evaluators;

3. Christine Pigeon, Oakland, a special master assigned by the family law division of the superior court;

4. Jim Jacobs, a former special master; and

5. Vera Hartford, Bill's former attorney in the second evaluation. Vera asked Jill to meet for lunch, and during their meeting said she was very concerned about Jill, and asked her to be very careful around Bill. She also asked Jill to find some way to get Bill to ``fire her.''

Just before Christmas, 2005, Bill told Jill that he had hired someone to kill his ex wife and her mother. Jill didn't believe him, but noticed that he was acting very agitated and anxious. He was hanging around the phone at the Belagio where they were staying for the Christmas break. He finally told her that he was waiting for a phone call from the person, confirming that the killings had taken place. Jill panicked. Jill prayed that he was lying. As it turns out, he wasn't lying, but had been ripped off by the intended “hitman.” Bill was furious, but, to Jill's knowledge, he never attempted to hire someone to kill them again. He did, however, often talk about killing both of them. Generally, these threats were made while he was on cocaine, or crashing from a cocaine binge. The rantings got worse if Bill and his ex wife were involved in litigation, which had recently been on going, or he had to take care of his daughter or go to a sporting event.

There was, at the time of his death, a new petition he had filed to change custody and visitation. It was recently filed, but was in its infant stages. It is important to note that he had no feelings for his daughter, and these efforts were solely for the purpose of harassment. When his daughter was in the home he shared with Jill, Bill would rarely speak to her, and would spend his time playing poker on the computer. He was very unpleasant with her, and virtually never showed any affection towards her. xxxxx was beginning to rebel against him. He was never physically abusive towards her, but was mean and vicious.

Bill had experienced only very minimal success as a professional gambler. The circuit he was in took him throughout Nevada and California (Indian Reservation casinos). The championship rounds were preceded by "mini tournaments." While the buy in for the "main event" may have been $10-25,000, the mini tournaments could double the amounts advanced just to play. Generally, he lost. He also developed a habit of imploding during a tournament. Whatever triggered the event, he would simply play stupid and lose very quickly. Gamblers keep long hours, and to keep his edge, Bill began using drugs. He was also a weightlifter and body builder. He was very strong, and in very good physical condition. He took metabolic steroids for some time, but recently stopped. He replaced them with daily injections of testosterone in the upper arm, and testosterone gel on the thighs. He also began abusing cocaine. Jill believes that last time he used cocaine was about 0100 hours, Tuesday, April 10, 2007.

His drug regiment began early in the afternoon Generally, he would get back to the apartment (or hotel) very late. When he woke up the morning, he would take Ativan and coffee. The stimulant in the coffee would keep him on edge. He would be able to return to sleep for about 1 to 1 1/2 hours, but would then wake up very alert, and very aggressive. He claimed it gave him an edge, and started his day.

Once awake, he would generally adjourn to his office, where he would spend untold hours playing poker on the computer. If out of town for tournaments, he would then hit the casinos. He would play all the mini tournaments, often at a cost of $1,000 or more each evening, almost always losing. Even if he lost every night, he would get the money from Jill to play the main event.

The Night Before the Incident. On Tuesday, April 10, 2007, Bill went to Las Vegas to play in a poker tournament at the Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas. Jill was supposed to drive to Las Vegas from her home in San Ramon on Wednesday, and bring Jill's daughter. She was supposed to bring $30,000 with her to support Bill's playing over the next few days. This included the $25,000 fee for the main event, and the buy ins for the various mini tournaments. Unfortunately, her daughter injured her knee, and could not make the trip. Jill decided to fly, but could not get a flight which would get in Las Vegas in time for the Wednesday night mini tournament. She knew that Bill would be furious with her if that occurred. She called a friend of hers, and asked if she could advance Bill the $5,000. She could not, but spoke to a friend who could. He advanced the money, but a friend of Bills was supposed to repay him. Jill told both that Bill would ``kill her'' if there was a problem getting the $5,000. Jill arrived in Las Vegas on Wednesday evening after the tournament began, around 9:00 p.m. She immediately tried to make good on the debt. What she did not know, however, was that Bill's friend had located Bill at the tournament, before her arrival, and told him what had occurred. He said he was not comfortable giving this guy $5,000. This apparently caused Bill to implode, and he was actually out of the tournament by the time Jill landed.

Jill found out that Bill did not have enough in his account to cover the $5,000, and decided to simply go to their apartment. This is where she found Bill. He was upset with her. When he got upset, he generally did not yell and scream. Instead, he would get quiet, grit his teeth, lean forward into one's space, and aggressively ``talk'' to you. He could be vicious and threatening. He had, on at least one occasion, and in front of others, ``head slapped'' Jill. He often threatened her, but generally not in public. Bill demanded that she make good on the $5,000 immediately, and became very aggressive. Jill had had enough, and told him she would not do so, and for him to make good on the debt. He calmed down, and went to bed around 9:00 to 10:00 p.m. Jill went to bed a couple hours later.

Day of the Incident. Bill woke up around 0730. He was in a foul mood, and still upset from the night before. He was not threatening, however. He spilled a glass of red crystal light on the carpet directly next to the bed. Jill got up and cleaned the drink, hoping to avoid staining the new carpet. She used pine cleaner and the smell was strong. So she covered the wet floor with two throw blankets from the bed, spread them out to cover the wet carpet. He took his Ativan and coffee, and went back to sleep for about 1 to 1 1/2 hours. Jill does not know whether he took his injections. She believed he did not have any cocaine. The absence of cocaine concerned her more than if he was using the cocaine. She had seen him “crash” from a cocaine binge, and knew that he would get crazy, threatening, and aggressive. When he finally woke up around 1030-1100, he woke up very alert and, as she feared, aggressive. He immediately began talking about Jill repaying the debt to Julian, but she again said she would not do so. He also wanted another $2,500 to play in another mini tournament that day which started at 100. Jill refused to give him any money. He got more and more aggressive, more “gritty,” and then began comparing Jill with Joann. Jill thought that Bill was beginning to lose it, and decided she should leave. He began saying that he Jill was going to embarrass him before the gamers, and ruin him. He started threatening Joann and her mother with death, saying that he was going to kill them, and that he sick of everything that was going on. This brought back memories of December, 2005. Then he said he was sick of Jill, and was going to kill her. She remembered that Bill told her once that they would never divorce, “not unless one of us died.”

Jill walked out of the bedroom and into the living room. Her plan was to leave, but Bill negotiated around the room so that he was between her and the door. He continually moved towards her, gritting his teeth, threatening her, getting as close as he could to her. She backed out of the living room, and into the kitchen. The kitchen is U-shaped, and he backed her into the far end of the ``U.'' At this point, Jill saw the butcher block, and removed a knife. She pointed it at him, and told him to leave her alone. Bill did not back off, but gave her a little space which she used to get out of the kitchen. But Bill still kept himself between her and the door, and then began advancing towards her. He backed her down the hallway, and back into the bedroom. He advanced towards her, with his arms at his sides but hands and forearms outstretched as if to strangle her. She was terrified that he was going to kill her, and unable to retreat, began striking at him with both hands. He went down, and she realized, for the first time, that she still had the knife in her hand, and that she had inflicted 3-4 wounds in his upper chest area. It took a bit for her to understand what had just happened, but it was evident to her that Bill was dead. She covered him with the blanket and a towel because she “didn't want him to be cold.” She straightened things around him. She touched him and talked to him and thought he would get up.

For some time, she sat in the room trying to figure out what had happened. She then panicked. She decided to take her own life. She made oatmeal with several drugs in it and attempted to eat it. It tasted horrid so she threw it away and cleaned the dish. During this time of panic, she decided she didn't want anyone having to deal with what she had done. She cleaned up the apartment, washed the sheets, “cleaned around so no one had to” and she left the apartment. She made the decision to return to California, and to call her attorney for help.

Possible Exculpatory Evident. In addition to what may be revealed during the post, there is a yellow box in Bill's office, setting under the day bed, which should contain cocaine residue. Also in the office, setting on the day bed, is a box and flex file containing the various evaluation materials. This includes a 4-5" green folder containing the vicious and threatening emails between Bill, Joann and others. The divorce papers are located in a black file cabinet to the right of Bill's desk.

I know that everything I have disclosed here does not excuse this. It does not explain it and it does not help me in anyway. I am not sending this for that purpose. I fully intend at this time to end this entire tragic string of events by ending my life as well. I know my children will have to learn to accept that but no one else should accept me being allowed to live whether it be in jail for the rest of my life or anywhere or how. I had to stop us. Everyone that was part of this I hope you recover. I hope you can take your disgust and anger with us and put it on us. Find console in the fact we are gone and cannot hurt you anymore.

If for some reason I fail in this, at least this will guarantee my conviction and I will have to pay everyday for my disgusting life.

Not that it could mean anything but I am truly sorry. To the people who loved me, I apologize for this shame. I hope you can walk away physically and emotionally from us. I hope you can forgive only enough to insure your own future happiness.

Originally published 1:00 AM Friday, April 20, 2007